Living in a seaside town in the mid 80s had its advantages. Most of these centred around the large number of pubs, a high turnover of not too bad looking girls who would occasionally become extremely good looking if you had spent too much time propping up the bar at the Red Lion and the equally large number of arcades. Most of my mates and I were in our late teens by the middle of the 80s so beer, women and videogames played a large part in our life and when we were not working or at the football hoping that the local team might one day find their way out of the bottom of the non-league leagues we were usually found doing something that involved beer, women or videogames or sometimes all three.
Our favourite haunt for games playing was a large arcade on the seafront that had a multitude of machines we could waste our wages on but most importantly it had a four player ‘Gauntlet’ cabinet and this was our game of choice. Each Saturday afternoon we would meet up before heading for the pub and spend some of our hard earned cash rampaging around its dungeons.
Now, as I mentioned at the start of this, living in a seaside town had its advantages. It also had its disadvantages. They were called tourists. Each week a new lot would arrive en masse from some distant part of the country to fry themselves on the beach, drink until they vomited and stuff their faces with doughnuts and candyfloss on the pier…and that was just the kids. Only the accents changed, each lot was usually as obnoxious as the last and on the whole we tried our best to avoid them by choosing our watering holes off the beaten track. Going to the arcade meant that avoiding them was a bit difficult though but we were not about to give up our Saturday Gauntlet sessions.
This particular Saturday we were gathered around the Gauntlet machine slaughtering ghosts, grunts and lobbers and launching the occasional axe, sword or spell at Chris who was as usual playing as the elf when a bunch of townies, think chav without the Burberry and bling, staggered into the arcade having quite obviously had a drop too much lemonade shandy. They were obviously out to impress their girlfriends as after a bit of pushing and shoving they took up station around the Space Harrier machine next to where we were playing and one of their number filled with bravado and piss weak lager climbed aboard. A coin went into the slot and his mates and their white stilettoed girlfriends gathered round to watch the slaughter with encouraging shouts of “Goo awn oor Wayne!” or whatever his name was, the mists of time and what happened next have dulled that particular memory.
As the seat began to rock and buck the townie began to lose his bravado and began to look a bit green around the gills as fizzy lager and heaven knows what else sloshed around inside him. Over the sounds of electronic slaughter the lad uttered the immortal line:
“Ah doan feel too good!”
At the Gauntlet machine we could see what was coming and even though we had racked up some decent scores one thought went through our minds. It was Chris who articulated our thoughts.
“RUUUUNNNNN!!!!”
What happened next certainly would have made a lasting impression on their girlfriends. From behind us came an unmistakeable sound.
BBBBBBBBBLLLLERRRRCCCCHHHHH!!!
The special effects team that did the ‘Exorcist’ would have been proud as a stream of lager, what might have once been chips and something that looked like cockles sprayed across the arcade in a demon possessed gush, covering his mates who had not had the presence of mind to flee, the Gauntlet machine where we had been standing just moments before and the girlfriends as well, the nearest of whom had along with the Gauntlet machine taken the full force of the blast. It took several seconds for the full enormity of what had happened to sink in and then the screaming started followed by one of the now puke splattered girls adding to the mess by throwing up noisily into one of the ashtrays that dotted the place.
As for us lot? We beat a hasty retreat, leaving the vomit dripping and screaming tourists behind and somehow after that did not play Gauntlet again. It may have been because we moved on to other things or it could have been the memory of the half digested cockle sliding down the screen as the machine announced “Great Wizard is about to die!” that did it.
Our favourite haunt for games playing was a large arcade on the seafront that had a multitude of machines we could waste our wages on but most importantly it had a four player ‘Gauntlet’ cabinet and this was our game of choice. Each Saturday afternoon we would meet up before heading for the pub and spend some of our hard earned cash rampaging around its dungeons.
Now, as I mentioned at the start of this, living in a seaside town had its advantages. It also had its disadvantages. They were called tourists. Each week a new lot would arrive en masse from some distant part of the country to fry themselves on the beach, drink until they vomited and stuff their faces with doughnuts and candyfloss on the pier…and that was just the kids. Only the accents changed, each lot was usually as obnoxious as the last and on the whole we tried our best to avoid them by choosing our watering holes off the beaten track. Going to the arcade meant that avoiding them was a bit difficult though but we were not about to give up our Saturday Gauntlet sessions.
This particular Saturday we were gathered around the Gauntlet machine slaughtering ghosts, grunts and lobbers and launching the occasional axe, sword or spell at Chris who was as usual playing as the elf when a bunch of townies, think chav without the Burberry and bling, staggered into the arcade having quite obviously had a drop too much lemonade shandy. They were obviously out to impress their girlfriends as after a bit of pushing and shoving they took up station around the Space Harrier machine next to where we were playing and one of their number filled with bravado and piss weak lager climbed aboard. A coin went into the slot and his mates and their white stilettoed girlfriends gathered round to watch the slaughter with encouraging shouts of “Goo awn oor Wayne!” or whatever his name was, the mists of time and what happened next have dulled that particular memory.
As the seat began to rock and buck the townie began to lose his bravado and began to look a bit green around the gills as fizzy lager and heaven knows what else sloshed around inside him. Over the sounds of electronic slaughter the lad uttered the immortal line:
“Ah doan feel too good!”
At the Gauntlet machine we could see what was coming and even though we had racked up some decent scores one thought went through our minds. It was Chris who articulated our thoughts.
“RUUUUNNNNN!!!!”
What happened next certainly would have made a lasting impression on their girlfriends. From behind us came an unmistakeable sound.
BBBBBBBBBLLLLERRRRCCCCHHHHH!!!
The special effects team that did the ‘Exorcist’ would have been proud as a stream of lager, what might have once been chips and something that looked like cockles sprayed across the arcade in a demon possessed gush, covering his mates who had not had the presence of mind to flee, the Gauntlet machine where we had been standing just moments before and the girlfriends as well, the nearest of whom had along with the Gauntlet machine taken the full force of the blast. It took several seconds for the full enormity of what had happened to sink in and then the screaming started followed by one of the now puke splattered girls adding to the mess by throwing up noisily into one of the ashtrays that dotted the place.
As for us lot? We beat a hasty retreat, leaving the vomit dripping and screaming tourists behind and somehow after that did not play Gauntlet again. It may have been because we moved on to other things or it could have been the memory of the half digested cockle sliding down the screen as the machine announced “Great Wizard is about to die!” that did it.
2 comments:
First! And sheer genius, have just wasted half the morning laughing at this ...
Debster
I have been playing Gauntlet for 2 hours, and it is all your fault. :)
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